ABOUT JOB
I Need a Job
A: I need a job.
B: I thought you had a job.
A: I did.
B: What happened?
A: I got laid off.
B: That’s terrible! When did it happen?
A: I got laid off last week.
B: Just you?
A: No, ten of my coworkers got laid off, too.
B: What are you going to do?
A: I’m looking in the newspaper for a job.
B: Good luck!
Before Going to an Interview
A: Before you go to that interview, check yourself.
B: What’s to check?
A: Are your nails clean?
B: Yes, they are.
A: Did you double-check your nose and teeth?
B: They are clean, too.
A: Did you shine your shoes?
B: My shoes are shined.
A: Do your socks match?
B: Of course they match.
A: No, they don’t. One is black and one is dark blue.
B: Yikes! Thank you.
Work Is Hard
A: Life is hard.
B: It sure is.
A: I thought school was hard.
B: Me, too. I couldn’t wait to graduate.
A: But now work is hard, too.
B: I agree. Work is just as hard as school.
A: Sometimes I wish I was back in school.
B: Me, too. School was fun.
A: And it was only 12 years.
B: It went by pretty fast.
A: But work goes on forever!
B: We have to work for 30 years!
Peas in a Pod
A: I’m sleepy.
B: So am I.
A: I had a long day.
B: So did I.
A: I didn’t even have lunch.
B: Neither did I.
A: I was busy the whole day.
B: So was I.
A: I had to bring work home with me.
B: I did too.
A: Your day was just like mine.
B: Of course it was. We work together!
I Am a Babysitter
A: I don’t like my job.
B: What do you do?
A: I’m a babysitter.
B: Is that a lot of work?
A: Babies cry all the time.
B: You have to change their diapers.
A: I have to feed them.
B: Are you looking for another job?
A: No, I’m looking for another family.
B: Another family?
A: A family with only one baby.
B: That’s a good idea.
Hire Me
A: I need a job.
B: What was your last job?
A: I was a painter.
B: What happened?
A: I got laid off because there was no work.
B: What else can you do?
A: I’m a handyman.
B: Can you fix a dripping faucet in a kitchen sink?
A: Of course.
B: Then I have a job for you in my kitchen.
A: It will cost you only $20 plus parts.
B: Okay. That sounds like a fair price.
What If?
A: What would you do if you lost your job?
B: I have no idea. I’ve been here for 20 years.
A: Do you have any other skills?
B: Well, I know how to flip hamburgers.
A: No one would hire you to flip hamburgers.
B: Have you heard something that you’re not telling me?
A: What do you mean?
B: Are there going to be layoffs at this place?
A: I certainly hope not!
B: If you got laid off, you’d be flipping hamburgers, too.
A: Oh great, we could both work at Burger King.
B: Maybe we’d get laid off there, too.
Become a Teacher
A: Do your students ever talk about their jobs?
B: Yes, and they ask me what jobs are the best.
A: I tell my students to become a teacher.
B: Teaching is a great job.
A: It’s the best job I’ve ever had.
B: What makes it so good?
A: For me, it’s the students.
B: What do you mean?
A: I mean I have wonderful students.
B: That must be nice.
A: Teaching is the best part of my whole day.
B: You’re a lucky man to have a job you love.
Over and Over
A: Boy, I’m glad that job is finished.
B: How long did it take?
A: Four hours, without a break.
B: It’s always nice to finish a job.
A: Well, it’s good and bad.
B: What’s bad about it?
A: When you finish, all you do is start another job!
B: Yes, that’s right. It does get boring.
A: Especially if it’s the same work, over and over.
B: But that’s what most people do.
A: Yes, I guess most of us are stuck in a routine.
B: I wonder if there is any job that you don’t repeat over and over.
A Bad Boss
A: I think I have the worst boss in the world.
B: What makes him so bad?
A: He’s rude and he yells a lot.
B: That’s hard to take.
A: I’ve never heard him say please or thank you.
B: He sounds like a real jerk.
A: No one at work likes him.
B: Can’t you report him to his supervisor?
A: Of course not. If I do that, I’ll lose my job.
B: Yes, they don’t like troublemakers or complainers.
A: I can’t quit, because I’m making a good salary.
B: You shouldn’t choose money over happiness.
Light My Fire
A: What are we going to do?
B: About what?
A: About finding a job for me.
B: You don’t need a job. I make enough money for both of us.
A: That doesn’t matter. I don’t want to sit around.
B: Okay, what kind of job do you want?
A: I’m not sure.
B: Well, you should do something that you enjoy.
A: I enjoy selling. I was born to sell.
B: Okay, what do you want to sell?
A: Cigarette lighters. I’ll make a fortune.
B: But you hate cigarettes and you hate smoking!
Still Working
A: A new hotel is looking for workers.
B: Yes, I saw it on the TV news.
A: They need 300 new workers.
B: And 4,000 people showed up.
A: So many people are out of work.
B: I still have my job, thank goodness.
A: So do I, but I’m worried.
B: Me too. There are no guarantees.
A: If you lose your job, you can move in with me.
B: Oh, thank you. That’s very nice of you.
A: You would do the same for me.
B: Of course. What are friends for?
All His Eggs in One Basket
A: I think I did something real stupid.
B: What did you do?
A: I bought some stock.
B: Everybody buys stock.
A: I bought it on a hunch.
B: You didn't read about the company first?
A: I didn't have to. It's been in business for 60 years.
B: So what's the problem?
A: I used all my savings on this one company.
B: You put all your eggs into one basket.
A: If the company goes out of business, I'll have nothing.
B: Oh, you'll have something—you'll have a lesson you'll never forget!
His Parents Are Disappointed
A: I was going to be a doctor.B: What happened to your plans?
A: I got a D in college chemistry.
B: Well, a D is better than an F.
A: A tutor helped me get the D!
B: So, you didn't become a doctor.
A: And now I'm glad that I didn't.
B: Why's that?
A: A hospital is the most dangerous place in the world.
B: Oh, yes, because of all the killer germs.
A: If you're a smart doctor, you stay away from hospitals.
B: Yes, the smart doctors are those TV news doctors—no hospitals, no patients.
Nice Doggy
A: I want to be a mail carrier when I grow up.B: Why? A: Because you get to meet a lot of people.
B: You sure do.
A: And you get a lot of exercise every day.
B: That’s the truth.
A: And you get to play with a lot of dogs.
B: Well, you’re supposed to be working.
A: Yes, but I will always pet the friendly dogs.
B: What about the unfriendly dogs?
A: I think if you are friendly to dogs, they are friendly to you.
B: Dogs are like people—not all of them are friendly.
Knock, Knock!
A: I want to move to New York.B: To the state or the city?
A: To the city, of course.
B: Why do you want to move there?
A: Because I want to make a lot of money.
B: There are a lot of poor people in New York.
A: There sure are—at least a million.
B: So how do you plan to become rich?
A: I will knock on the doors of all the corporations.
B: That won’t make you rich. Nobody will talk to you.
A: I will keep knocking on doors.
B: All you will get is sore knuckles.
AT THE RESTAURANT
I Feel Like Chinese
A: Let’s go out to eat.
B: That sounds like fun.
A: Where do you want to go?
B: Let me think a minute.
A: I feel like Chinese.
B: That sounds delicious.
A: I know a good Chinese restaurant.
B: How far away is it?
A: It’s only 10 minutes from here.
B: Do we need reservations?
A: Oh, no. We can walk right in.
B: Let’s go now. I’m hungry!
A Slow Burger
A: I can’t believe how long this line is.
B: This is a popular restaurant, isn’t it?
A: Yes, but it isn’t a fast-food restaurant, is it?
B: It’s the slowest hamburger in town.
A: That’s because they cook it while you wait.
B: Yes. That’s why it’s also the best hamburger in town.
A: A great burger and great service.
B: Yes, the workers are very polite.
A: And they’re clean.
B: I’ve been coming here for years.
A: Me too.
B: Excuse me. They just called my number.
A Good Lunch
A: Lunch was delicious.
B: Thank you.
A: What kind of soup was that?
B: It was tomato soup.
A: That tasted so good.
B: I put lemon and butter in it.
A: The sandwich was good, too.
B: Everyone likes bacon and tomato sandwiches.
A: Especially on toast.
B: And the pickles were great, too.
A: Tomorrow we’ll have rice and fish for lunch.
B: I can’t wait.
A Bad Steak
A: I’m calling the waiter.
B: What’s the matter?
A: This steak has too much fat.
B: What do you want the waiter to do?
A: Bring me a better steak.
B: I wouldn’t do that.
A: Why not?
B: They will drop the new steak on the floor, step on it, and then spit on it.
A: You’re crazy.
B: Then the waiter will give you a big smile as he brings you the new steak.
A: Where do you get these crazy ideas?
B: I used to cook in a restaurant!
Dirty Nails
A: Let’s leave.
B: But we just got here.
A: Did you see the waiter’s hands?
B: No.
A: He had dirty fingernails.
B: Really?
A: His nails were black!
B: That’s disgusting.
A: And he poured water into our glasses.
B: Yuck! No water for me.
A: I wonder if the cooks’ nails are dirty, too.
B: Who cares? Let’s get out of here.
Fear of Germs
A: Is this a clean restaurant?
B: Well, the tables and chairs look okay.
A: Okay, let’s sit down.
B: Check out the silverware.
A: It passes inspection.
B: Here comes the waiter. See if his hands and nails are clean.
A: Well, the waiter looked clean, so I guess it’s okay to eat here.
B: You’re forgetting about the bathroom.
A: I’m going to just hope that the bathroom is clean.
B: You’re not going to examine it before we order dinner?
A: No, I’d rather not find out that it’s dirty, because I’m pretty hungry right now.
B: Me, too. Let’s forget about germs and focus on food.
Bad Service
A: Have you seen our waiter?
B: Here he comes now.
A: We’ve been sitting here for almost 10 minutes.
B: Oops, I guess I was wrong. That isn’t our waiter.
A: We can give him five more minutes, and then leave.
B: I’ll go up front and talk to the manager.
A: That’s a good idea.
B: Maybe they’ll give us free drinks for waiting so long.
A: Maybe he’ll send us our waiter immediately.
B: Every time we eat out, it’s an adventure.
A: Last time, we got seats next to the kitchen.
B: We’ll never go there again.
A Good Table
A: Is this table okay?
B: No, it’s too close to the kitchen door.
A: How about this table?
B: No, it’s too close to the front door.
A: This looks like a nice table.
B: No, it’s too close to the salad bar.
A: Okay, I give up.
B: Well, there is one good table.
A: Great. Which one?
B: That one. A group of eight just sat down at it.
Do I Hear $60,000?
A: I don't believe the art world.
B: What is it this time?
A: An Andy Warhol drawing.
B: He's a famous artist.
A: He drew two butterflies and a flower on a napkin in a restaurant.
B: Did he sign it?
A: Yes.
B: Is it beautiful?
A: It's just black ink on a white napkin. And the napkin has food stains!
B: So it's not worth much?
A: Only about $30,000.
B: Without the food stains, it would probably be worth more.
ABOUT CRIME
Too Much Crime
A: Why is there so much crime?
B: Because parents don’t teach their kids right from wrong.
A: Is that it?
B: Also, there aren’t enough police.
A: But there are a lot of police.
B: There’s only one police officer per 100 criminals.
A: Can’t we hire more police?
B: No. It costs too much money.
A: Doesn’t crime cost more than police?
B: Yes, it does.
A: So it would be cheaper to hire more police?
B: Yes, it would.
No One Ever Leaves
A: This is a great neighborhood.
B: Yes, it is.
A: People are friendly.
B: Yes, they are.
A: The streets and sidewalks are clean.
B: Yes, they are.
A: There’s a real nice park nearby.
B: Yes, there is.
A: I feel safe here.
B: There is no crime here.
A: I wish I could move here.
B: Maybe you can, if someone moves out.
Fire and Smoke
A: The house burned down.
B: What happened?
A: The man fell asleep.
B: Was he smoking?
A: Yes, he was smoking a cigarette.
B: Did he die?
A: Yes, he did. His cat died, too.
B: That’s too bad. What about his smoke alarm?
A: The battery was dead.
B: A good battery would have saved his life.
A: He had cigarettes, but no battery.
B: It happens all the time.
Play with Fire
A: They say he has started fifteen big fires.
B: He’s been in jail three times already.
A: Why did they ever let him out?
B: It’s the law. They can’t keep him in jail forever.
A: Why not? Everyone knows he’s a firebug. He loves to start fires.
B: I don’t know. Sometimes the law doesn’t make sense.
A: But his latest fire killed someone.
B: This time they have charged him with murder.
A: So maybe he’ll go to jail forever?
B: I sure hope so.
A: Someone should set him on fire.
B: That would teach him a good lesson.
Fasten Your Seatbelt
A: Put your seatbelt on.
B: Why?
A: Because it will protect you in case of an accident.
B: But it’s uncomfortable.
A: It’s the law.
B: It’s so much trouble.
A: It’s common sense.
B: It’s so tight that it’s hard for me to breathe.
A: Hold your breath till we get there.
B: Okay, my seatbelt is on.
A: I’m glad you don’t complain very much.
B: I’m ready for an accident.
Use the Stepladder
A: What are you doing?
B: I’m going to change the light bulb. It burnt out.
A: What are you standing on?
B: A couple of dictionaries and some textbooks.
A: Are you crazy?
B: What’s the matter?
A: Those books will slip and you’ll fall.
B: It’s only a couple of feet.
A: What if you fall while you’re holding the light bulb, and it breaks and pieces go into your eyes?
B: I never thought about that.
A: You’d be blind for the rest of your life!
B: I’ll get the stepladder.
A Puddle on the Floor
A: Did you see that puddle of water on the floor?
B: Yes. I called for a clean-up.
A: A puddle of water is very dangerous.
B: It isn’t easy to see.
A: But it’s real easy to slip on.
B: Especially on these slick floors.
A: Someone who slips could hurt their back.
B: They could even crack their head open.
A: We should stand here till the clean-up person gets here.
B: We can leave if we put an orange cone here.
A: Yes, but I don’t know where the orange cones are.
B: It doesn’t matter. Here he comes now with the mop.
Double-Check Everything
A: I have to go back upstairs.
B: Why? We’re already late.
A: I have to check the stove.
B: What’s the matter?
A: Maybe I left the burner on.
B: No, you didn’t. I checked the stove before we left.
A: Are you sure?
B: Of course I’m sure.
A: Well, I have to go back upstairs anyway.
B: It’s getting later every minute.
A: I think I left the water running.
B: No, you didn’t. Let’s go! The only thing running is the clock!
Guns for All
A: The city is buying guns.
B: What are they paying?
A: Up to $200 for each gun, no questions asked.
B: Why are they doing this?
A: They want to get guns off the street.
B: Who would turn in a gun for $200?
A: That isn’t a good deal?
B: A good gun costs $400 or more.
A: Well, if you bring your receipt, maybe they’ll give you $400.
B: I’ll keep my receipt and my gun.
A: I didn’t know you had a gun.
B: Everyone in America should have a gun.
Crime Reduction
A: You're yawning.
B: I sure am.
A: You should go to bed.
B: I will as soon as I finish this article.
A: What are you reading?
B: It's about crime in Los Angeles.
A: What does it say?
B: The mayor says the crime rate is going down.
A: Then why does everyone lock their doors?
B: I guess they haven't read this article.
A: No one believes that the crime rate is going down.
B: Maybe the mayor is just talking about his own neighborhood.
Two Different States
A: People who live in California are crazy.
B: Why is that?
A: Because of all the earthquakes and fires.
B: But big earthquakes happen only once in a while.
A: Once in a while is once too many.
B: But you’re right. There are a lot of fires.
A: A recent fire destroyed 85 homes.
B: Still, it’s safer than Florida.
A: Florida doesn’t have earthquakes or fires.
B: No, Florida just has hurricanes every year from June to October.
A: But most of those hurricanes are harmless.
B: Excuse me. Hurricane Andrew destroyed 30,000 homes!
A: Once in a while is once too many.
B: But you’re right. There are a lot of fires.
A: A recent fire destroyed 85 homes.
B: Still, it’s safer than Florida.
A: Florida doesn’t have earthquakes or fires.
B: No, Florida just has hurricanes every year from June to October.
A: But most of those hurricanes are harmless.
B: Excuse me. Hurricane Andrew destroyed 30,000 homes!
SCHOOLIFE
I Go to College
A: Do you go to college?
B: Yes, I do.
A: What college do you go to?
B: I go to Pasadena City College.
A: Do you like it?
B: Oh, yes, I really like it.
A: Why do you like it?
B: Because it has great teachers.
A: What else?
B: I like all my classmates, too.
A: Anything else?
B: Yes. It’s not expensive!
A Lost Pen
A: I lost my new pen.
B: Where did you lose it?
A: I don’t know.
B: When did you lose it?
A: I think I lost it today. I used it yesterday.
B: Did you check all your pockets?
A: I checked all my pockets.
B: Did you look in your desk?
A: Yes. It isn’t there, either.
B: It’s probably around somewhere.
A: Oh, well, it only cost me a dollar.
B: Only a dollar? Don’t even look for it.
Gravity for All
A: Gravity is very important.
B: What is gravity?
A: It’s the force that pulls everything down.
B: I don’t understand.
A: If you pour water into a glass, the water goes down into the glass.
B: Of course it does.
A: Without gravity, the water would go up.
B: You’re joking.
A: Without gravity, you would go up.
B: What do you mean?
A: You would float into the sky like a balloon.
B: That would be fun!
New Glasses
A: I can’t read my book.
B: Turn on the light.
A: The light is on.
B: Open the book.
A: The book is open.
B: See an eye doctor.
A: That’s what I need to do.
B: He’ll give you a prescription for glasses.
A: I’ll make an appointment tomorrow.
B: I’ll get the yellow pages for an eye doctor.
A: Read the phone number to me.
B: I’ll read it very loud, in case your hearing is getting bad, too.
School Items
A: What do you need for school?
B: I need pencils.
A: Anything else?
B: I need a notebook.
A: Do you need a pen?
B: No. I already have a pen.
A: Do you need a calculator?
B: No. The teacher doesn’t permit calculators.
A: How about a dictionary?
B: No, we have a big dictionary in the classroom.
A: Well, I guess that’s it.
B: Yes, that’s all I need for now.
A Good Magazine
A: I like this magazine.
B: So do I.
A: I read it once, and I subscribed.
B: It gives you all the news.
A: All the news in only 50 pages.
B: I like the political cartoons.
A: I like the beautiful photos of the houses for sale.
B: I always read the film reviews.
A: I never miss the food and drink section.
B: I gave a subscription to my parents.
A: Me too. They canceled their other news magazines.
B: So did mine!
Shake Your Pen
A: My pen is out of ink.
B: Shake it a couple of times.
A: I shook it. There is no more ink.
B: You can borrow mine.
A: Thank you. I’ll buy a new one tomorrow.
B: What were you doing?
A: I was writing a letter.
B: Who were you writing to?
A: It’s to my mom.
B: Tell her I said hello.
A: Okay. I’ll return your pen when I’m done.
B: Take your time.
Do Your Homework
A: Have you done your homework?
B: Not yet.
A: Then why are you watching TV?
B: This is my favorite show.
A: Go do your homework.
B: But, mom!
A: You can watch TV after you do your homework.
B: But the show will be over.
A: There will be another show next week.
B: Please?
A: You know the rules.
B: I hate the rules! I can’t wait till I grow up.
The Soldier
A: I can’t wait until I graduate.
B: Me too.
A: No more homework.
B: I hate homework.
A: Are you going to college?
B: I can’t afford it.
A: Me neither.
B: So what are you going to do?
A: I’m joining the army.
B: You’re kidding. You might get killed.
A: I don’t think so. After I finish, I’ll have enough money to go to college.
B: That’s not a bad idea.
The English Major
A: What is your major?
B: English.
A: What are you going to do with an English major?
B: I’m going to be a teacher.
A: High school or middle school?
B: High school.
A: I teach high school English.
B: I didn’t know that.
A: I started teaching five years ago.
B: How do you like it?
A: Do you see all this gray hair? It was totally black five years ago.
B: Maybe I’ll teach middle school.
No Parking
A: Parking at school is impossible.
B: I’ll say.
A: I drove around for half an hour.
B: Did you find a spot?
A: I found a spot, but someone cut in and took it from
me.
B: Did you yell at them?
A: Yes, I did.
B: And?
A: And he yelled back at me.
B: How rude.
A: But I got lucky a few minutes later.
B: You have to be lucky to find a parking space.
Keep Your Eyes Open
A: This is a huge library.
B: Yes, it has lots of rooms and lots of space.
A: And lots of books.
B: And lots of thieves.
A: What do you mean?
B: I mean, keep your belongings close to you.
A: The only thing in my backpack is used books.
B: But thieves don’t know that.
A: They might think that I’ve got an iPod or laptop in there.
B: Now you’re thinking.
A: You’d think a library would be safe from thieves.
B: Not even a church is safe from thieves.
Two plus Two
A: How good is your math?
B: I can add two and two.
A: So you’re not very good at math?
B: I’m terrible at math.
A: Well, I need some help.
B: With what?
A: I’m taking a math course in school.
B: Well, you should ask your teacher or your classmates for help.
A: I can’t do that.
B: Why not?
A: They might think I’m stupid.
B: They’re not going to think that! They’ll be glad to help you.
Prayers
A: Do you believe in God?
B: Of course.
A: Do you pray to God?
B: Occasionally.
A: When’s that?
B: When I need something.
A: Like what?
B: Well, if I have a big test at school.
A: Does God answer your prayers?
B: Yes, I’ve passed all my tests.
A: Do you ever pray for money?
B: Not yet. I won’t need to do that until I graduate from high school.
Hit and Run
A: The cops finally found the husband.
B: What husband?
A: The husband of the driver who ran over two college students at 3 a.m.
B: Oh, yeah. The girl died instantly, and the boy is still in the hospital.
A: The husband said he tried to help the boy.
B: Yes, he pushed him off the hood of the car.
A: No, he said he gently placed the boy on the street.
B: So what? They still drove off.
A: The husband said a fire department was nearby.
B: So what? Did he dial 911?
A: He said he was thinking about it, but he didn't get around to it.
B: He didn't get around to turning himself in, either.
SPORT
Take Me to the Ball Game
A: Can we go to the baseball game?
B: Of course.
A: I love baseball.
B: So do I.
A: I love to eat the peanuts.
B: I love to eat the hot dogs.
A: I hope we’ll see a home run.
B: I hope we’ll catch a foul ball.
A: Bring a jacket.
B: Yes. It gets a little cool at night.
A: Bring a glove to catch a foul ball.
B: No. I’ll just use my cap to catch a foul ball.
Golf Is Silly
A: Golf is a silly game.
B: It certainly is.
A: You hit a white ball.
B: And then you chase it.
A: And then you hit it again.
B: Finally, you put the ball into a hole in the ground.
A: You do these 18 times, because there are 18 holes.
B: What’s the point?
A: How can it be fun?
B: They pay money to play this silly game!
A: I think golfers have a mental problem.
B: I think they’re nuts.
Fresh Fish
A: Do you want to go fishing?
B: Yes. That’s a good idea.
A: Where do you want to go?
B: We can go to the river.
A: Or we can go to the lake.
B: Or we can go to the ocean.
A: Let’s go to the lake.
B: Yes. The lake is only 10 miles away.
A: We can be there in 20 minutes.
B: I’ll get our fishing rods.
A: I’ll get the bait.
B: We’ll have fresh fish for dinner!
I Love Baseball
A: Baseball is fun.
B: I like to hit the ball.
A: I like to run around the bases.
B: I like to slide into the bases.
A: Yeah. It’s a lot of fun to slide.
B: I want to be a baseball player when I grow up.
A: Me too. I want to play for the Yankees.
B: Not me. I want to play for the Dodgers.
A: We have to practice every day.
B: I don’t like practice.
A: Me neither. It’s boring.
B: But practice makes perfect.
I’m Worried about Tiger
A: Tiger is the greatest golfer in the world.
B: You can say that again.
A: But I’m worried about Tiger.
B: Why is that?
A: Because he likes to SCUBA dive.
B: What’s wrong with that?
A: It can be dangerous.
B: You mean he could drown.
A: He shouldn’t SCUBA dive until he retires.
B: But he dives to relax.
A: He might relax, but it makes me nervous.
B: If his wife doesn’t mind, you shouldn’t mind.
Babe Ruth
A: Who’s the greatest baseball player?
B: There are so many great players.
A: Yes, but who is the greatest?
B: I’d have to say Babe Ruth.
A: Most people would say that.
B: He changed the game.
A: Yes, he made the home run popular.
B: Everybody loved him, all over the nation.
A: He helped make the Yankees the best team ever.
B: And Ruth was a good person, too.
A: He always visited hospitals to cheer up sick kids.
B: There will never be another Babe.
ABOUT TRANSPORTATION
What Will People Think?
A: I don’t like riding the bus.
B: Why not?
A: The seats and windows are dirty.
B: Don’t they clean the bus every night?
A: I think they do.
B: You should bring some wipes with you.
A: That’s a good idea.
B: Then you can wipe your seat and window.
A: People will think I’m strange.
B: Who cares? Everyone is strange.
A: That’s for sure.
B: Don’t worry about what people think.
Don’t Ride the Bus
A: I don’t like riding the bus.
B: Why not?
A: Number one, it’s too slow.
B: You’re right. A car is faster.
A: Number two, it’s usually late.
B: You’re right. The buses are never on time.
A: Number three, it doesn’t run 24 hours.
B: You’re right. Buses don’t run late at night.
A: Number four, it’s too crowded.
B: You’re right. You have to stand in the aisle.
A: Number five, it’s unsafe.
B: You’re right. Bad guys might rob you.
Don’t Cut the Tires
A: We had a problem at school.
B: What was the problem?
A: Someone cut the tires.
B: What tires?
A: The tires on the cars.
B: Where were the cars?
A: They were in the student parking lot.
B: How many tires were cut?
A: One or two tires were cut on each car.
B: How many cars?
A: Eleven cars.
B: That’s terrible. I hope they catch the person.
The Crosswalk
A: Life isn’t fair.
B: It sure isn’t.
A: I got a ticket yesterday.
B: What for?
A: I was crossing the street.
B: Were you in a crosswalk?
A: Yes, but the red hand was blinking.
B: So? That’s a ticket?
A: Yes, it’s a $140 ticket.
B: That’s not right!
A: When I started to cross the street, the white walk sign was blinking.
B: You need to walk faster.
It’s Okay to Speed
A: You’re driving too fast.
B: Why do you say that?
A: The speed limit is 65.
B: I know that.
A: But you’re doing 75.
B: So is everyone else.
A: But a cop might stop you.
B: No, he won’t. Some cars are doing 85.
A: So the cop will stop those cars?
B: Of course. He stops the fastest cars.
A: My friend got a ticket for doing 75.
B: Your friend was unlucky.
Check Your Tires
A: Remember to put air in your tires.
B: How often do I have to do that?
A: Once every two months.
B: That’s a lot.
A: What do you mean?
B: That’s six times a year!
A: Yes, and it takes about five minutes each time.
B: I’ll try.
A: Check your tires or you’ll get a flat.
B: Oh. That’s not good.
A: No, it isn’t. A flat costs you time and money.
B: And I don’t have either.
Don’t Be in a Hurry
A: You’re driving too fast.
B: I’m in a hurry.
A: Don’t ever be in a hurry.
B: It’s not my fault. You didn’t wake me up.
A: That’s not my fault. You didn’t tell me to wake you up.
B: Well, I meant to.
A: Don’t ever be in a hurry when you’re driving.
B: Why not?
A: Because you’ll have an accident. Most accidents are because people are in a hurry.
B: How do you know that?
A: I read a lot.
B: I thought drunks caused most accidents.
A New Car
A: Let’s go for a ride.
B: Where are we going?
A: Into the mountains.
B: That sounds nice.
A: I want to show you my new car.
B: You bought a new car?
A: Yes. I bought a Cadillac.
B: A luxury car.
A: Luxury plus speed.
B: What are we waiting for?
A: Let me get the keys.
B: Let me get my camera.
I’m Going to Explode
A: I have to go to the bathroom.
B: Why didn’t you go before we left?
A: I did, but I have to go again.
B: Well, hold on a little longer.
A: I think I’m going to explode.
B: Just hold on.
A: Oh! Don’t hit any more bumps!
B: We’ll be at McDonald’s in just a few minutes.
A: I hope they are fast minutes.
B: Think about something else. Think about a hamburger.
A: I’m thinking, but I still have to go.
B: It’s the next exit. Hold on!
The Missing Car
A: Where’s the car?
B: What do you mean?
A: The car isn’t here.
B: Where did you park it?
A: I parked it right here.
B: Are you sure?
A: Yes. I remember this big tree.
B: Maybe it’s the wrong tree.
A: No, this is the tree.
B: Did someone steal it?
A: I sure hope not.
B: Maybe they towed it away.
Too Many Cars
A: Look at this traffic.
B: I’d rather not.
A: It gets worse every year.
B: Why are you complaining? We’re going almost 20 miles an hour.
A: The speed limit is 65!
B: Well, that’s between 2:00 and 4:00 a.m.
A: Where are all these people going?
B: They’re all asking the same question.
A: When are they going to fix this problem?
B: They said they need more money.
A: They always need more money.
B: It’ll get worse before it gets better.
Don’t Call the Police
A: Did you see that car?
B: Yes, he went through the red light.
A: Can we call the police?
B: No, the police don’t care.
A: Why not?
B: They have to see it happen.
A: They don’t believe us?
B: No. They can only give a ticket if they see it
happen.
A: So, what do we do?
B: We don’t do anything.
A: Maybe we should honk the horn next time.
B: The driver will just honk back at us.
Wash the Car
A: My car is dirty.
B: Why don’t you wash it?
A: That’s what I’m going to do.
B: Are you going to wash it yourself?
A: Of course. It’s not a hard job.
B: I’ll help you.
A: Okay, I’ll get a bucket.
B: I’ll rinse the car first.
A: Then we can scrub it with a wet sponge and soap.
B: After that, we can dry it with a towel.
A: Then it will look like new
B: And you save $10.
Windy Weather
A: It sure is windy today.
B: Paper is flying everywhere.
A: This wind is dangerous for drivers.
B: Especially for drivers of big trucks.
A: The wind blows those trucks over.
B: It blows trees over, too.
A: A tree fell onto my dad’s car.
B: Was there much damage?
A: My dad had to buy a new car.
B: Wow! That’s terrible.
A: Never park your car under a tree.
B: The wind will get you, or the birds will get you.
Two Birds with One Stone
A: When are we going to stop?
B: We’ll stop at the next McDonald’s.
A: How far away is that?
B: I think we’ll be there in half an hour.
A: I hope so. I have to go to the bathroom.
B: Well, I can always pull over.
A: No, thank you, I’ll just wait.
B: We can kill two birds with one stone.
A: What do you mean?
B: While you’re using the bathroom, I’ll order some food.
A: Don’t order for me. I’m not hungry.
B: I’m very hungry. I’ll order for you, and then I’ll eat yours.
Beat the Light
A: This is such a long light.
B: Look how many cars are waiting in line.
A: They need a left-turn arrow.
B: Only two cars can make a left turn every three or four minutes.
A: We’ll be here forever.
B: Get out of this lane.
A: But we need to turn left.
B: Forget it. Go straight.
A: Then what?
B: Then we’ll just make a U-turn.
A: And then we can turn right at the light.
B: Good idea. It will be so much quicker.
A Dream Car
A: I need a cheap car.
B: How much money do you have?
A: $1,000.
B: Well, that should get you something.
A: But I need something that’s reliable.
B: You need a car with low mileage.
A: A car that was owned by a little old lady.
B: Where have you looked?
A: I haven’t looked anywhere yet.
B: Why not?
A: Because I’ll never find one for such a low price.
B: You’re right about that. Keep saving your money.
A Bad Driver
A: Good afternoon, officer.
B: Your driver’s license and registration, please.
A: Here you go.
B: Do you know why I pulled you over?
A: I have no idea. All of a sudden I heard your siren.
B: You rolled through that stop sign back there.
A: But I stopped!
B: No, you didn’t. You slowed down, but you didn’t come to a full stop.
A: Well, nobody else does, so why should I?
B: That’s not the attitude of a good driver.
A: But I am a good driver. I’ve never had a ticket in my life.
B: Well, you’ve got one now. Here. Have a nice day.
A Slow Walker
A: $140. I can't believe it.
B: What are you talking about?
A: I got a ticket downtown for $140.
B: Were you speeding?
A: No, I was crossing the street.
B: Were you jaywalking?
A: No, I was in the crosswalk.
B: So why did you get a ticket?
A: The officer said the red hand was blinking.
B: Was it blinking when you entered the crosswalk?
A: No, the white WALK sign was blinking.
B: You should fight that ticket. I’ll be your witness.
Beware the Carts
A: What happened to your car?
B: I got a dent in the parking lot.
A: How did you get it?
B: I don’t know. Maybe it was from a shopping cart.
A: Those shopping carts are dangerous.
B: Especially the metal ones.
A: I don’t park at a store that uses metal shopping carts.
B: That’s a good idea, but there was a good sale at this store.
A: Did you save any money on the sale?
B: Yes, I did. I saved about $50.
A: That’s great.
B: Yes, except this dent will cost about $150.
B: I got a dent in the parking lot.
A: How did you get it?
B: I don’t know. Maybe it was from a shopping cart.
A: Those shopping carts are dangerous.
B: Especially the metal ones.
A: I don’t park at a store that uses metal shopping carts.
B: That’s a good idea, but there was a good sale at this store.
A: Did you save any money on the sale?
B: Yes, I did. I saved about $50.
A: That’s great.
B: Yes, except this dent will cost about $150.
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